My home educated child is lonely: what can I do?
Home educated child lonely? How to help them make friends
Understanding friendship struggles, social anxiety and loneliness in home educated children and teenagers
You can spend an extraordinary amount of time and petrol getting your child to home ed groups, clubs and activities, only to find yourself worrying that they still haven't made any proper friends. Perhaps they enjoy the activities but never seem to connect with anyone, or they have friends they rarely get to see. You might even have a child who tells you quite plainly that they're lonely, despite your best efforts to provide opportunities for them to socialise.
It's a difficult situation, particularly when you're home educating. We're so accustomed to challenging assumptions about home educated children being isolated that admitting our own child is struggling with friendships can feel uncomfortable. We know that home ed offers plenty of opportunities for social interaction, but knowing those opportunities exist doesn't necessarily help when your child is sitting at home wishing they had someone to spend time with.
In our article on how home educated children socialise, we looked at the many ways children form relationships outside school. But there is an important difference between having opportunities to meet people and having friendships that make you feel happy, valued and included. And sometimes, despite everything parents try, those friendships can be surprisingly difficult to find.
Is your child lonely, or are you worried about their social life?
It's worth making this distinction before doing anything else, because children vary enormously in how much company they want or need.
Some children are perfectly happy spending much of their time alone, particularly if they have absorbing interests and a few close relationships. Others thrive on regular social contact and become unhappy when they go too long without seeing friends. There are children who find large groups exhausting but love spending time with one particular person, and others who enjoy being around lots of people without necessarily wanting close friendships with all of them.
As parents, we sometimes measure our children's social lives against our own expectations. If we see other home educating families constantly attending groups, organising trips and meeting friends, it can feel as though we ought to be doing the same. But a child who prefers their own company isn't necessarily lonely, and a child who attends activities every day can still feel quite isolated.
The important thing is how your child feels about their relationships. Are they happy with the friendships they have? Do they wish they had someone to share particular interests or experiences with? Are they missing an old friend, or feeling left out when they see other children spending time together?
Try to find out what they feel is missing, without immediately offering solutions. They might want more friends, but they might simply want to see one existing friend more often. Understanding that difference could save you both a great deal of frustration.
When home education groups don't lead to friendships
Home ed groups are often the first place parents look when they want their children to make friends, and for good reason. They can provide a wonderful sense of community, especially for families who are new to home education. And let's not forget that we parents need connection too. Home educating can sometimes feel quite isolating, particularly if you don't know many other families doing the same thing. Having other adults to chat to, share experiences with and occasionally have a good old moan with over a cup of coffee can be just as important as the friendships our children make.
But I've always thought we need to be realistic about what groups can offer. Bringing children together creates an opportunity for friendships to develop. It doesn't guarantee that they will. Sometimes the age range isn't right, or the children have very different interests. Established friendship groups can be difficult for newcomers to join, even when everyone is perfectly pleasant and welcoming. Some children are confident enough to walk into a room and start talking to strangers, while others need weeks of seeing familiar faces before they feel comfortable.
There's also the simple fact that children don't automatically become friends because they happen to be home educated. We wouldn't expect every adult at a community group to become close friends, yet sometimes we seem to expect children to manage exactly that. If your child enjoys a group but hasn't made friends, it may be worth giving it more time. Regular attendance allows children to become familiar with one another, and friendships often develop gradually through repeated shared experiences.
However, if your child consistently feels uncomfortable, excluded or unhappy, there's little value in insisting they continue simply because it's a social opportunity. A smaller group, a different age range or an activity based around something they genuinely enjoy may suit them much better. And if a particular group doesn't work out, try not to turn it into a bigger disappointment than it needs to be. Sometimes we meet people we get along with, and sometimes we don't. Children are no different.
Finding people your child actually connects with
One of the most useful things you can do is look at your child's interests rather than concentrating solely on finding other home educated children. A child who loves animals might feel far more comfortable helping at a local nature group than attending a general home ed meet-up. Someone interested in gaming might enjoy a regular board game club, while a teenager who struggles to make conversation could spend an entire afternoon happily discussing Dungeons & Dragons with someone who shares their enthusiasm.
Having something in common gives children a starting point. They can talk about what they're doing, concentrate on an activity together and gradually get to know one another without the pressure of having to make conversation for its own sake. This can be especially helpful for children who are shy, anxious or neurodivergent, although shared interests are no guarantee that personalities will click.
It's also worth remembering that your child's friends don't have to be home educated. Local sports clubs, youth groups, libraries, theatre groups, community activities and volunteering can all provide opportunities to meet children and young people who attend school. For many families, a mixture of home ed friendships and wider community connections works well.
Helping friendships develop beyond organised activities
Meeting another child is only the beginning. For friendships to grow, children generally need opportunities to spend time together outside the activity where they first met. This is where home education can require rather more parental organisation than we might like.
School provides regular contact with the same children throughout the week. Home educated friends may only see one another at a weekly group, and sometimes they live in completely different towns. Unless somebody makes arrangements, weeks can pass without them spending any time together.
For younger children, parents can help by arranging informal meet-ups, inviting another family over or suggesting an outing together. It doesn't have to be anything elaborate. An afternoon at the park, a walk in the woods or a couple of hours playing at someone's house can give children more opportunity to develop a friendship than another busy organised session. Older children may prefer meeting without a group of parents and younger siblings accompanying them, although they might still need help with transport or making arrangements.
If your child finds it difficult to initiate contact, you can also help them think about what to say. Suggesting a specific activity often works better than a vague invitation to hang out. It's easier to ask someone whether they'd like to come over and play a game on Saturday than to negotiate the entire business of becoming friends.
Of course, the other child has to be interested too. Not every promising connection develops into a friendship, and that can be upsetting when your child has been hoping for something more. It's worth acknowledging their disappointment without suggesting that there's something wrong with them or the other child. Friendship involves two people choosing to spend time together, and occasionally one person simply doesn't feel the same connection.
Why finding friends can become harder for home educated teenagers
We're experiencing this ourselves at the moment. My son is fifteen, and several of the friends he's known through home ed for years are now moving on to college. He isn't going to college, and although that's the right decision for him at the moment, it's been difficult watching his friends begin a new chapter without him. It's not necessarily that those friendships have ended, but their lives are changing. They're meeting new people, establishing different routines and having experiences he isn't sharing. The friendships that developed so naturally through years of home ed meet-ups suddenly need a lot more effort to maintain.
This is something we perhaps don't talk about enough when discussing home educated teens. There can be a real sense of being left behind when friends move into college or other forms of education, particularly if your own child isn't ready for that step or simply wants a different path. They can be perfectly happy with their educational choices and still feel sad about the social changes that come with them.
Another thing I've noticed is how friendships can change as children get older, particularly between boys and girls. My son has always had more female friends. He's never been particularly interested in football, rough-and-tumble games or many of the activities that seemed popular with the boys at some of our home ed groups. He was much happier drawing, creating things or talking about fantasy, gaming and other wonderfully geeky interests, and he often found more common ground with the girls. When they were younger, it didn't really matter. They were simply friends who enjoyed spending time together. But now they're fifteen, things have become a little more complicated. Some of the girls have developed closer friendships with one another and naturally prefer to spend time together, while he sometimes finds himself on the outside of those arrangements.
Of course, this isn't true of all teenage boys and girls, and plenty of friendships continue happily across genders. But teens do develop at different rates, their interests and social priorities change, and friendships that once felt effortless can become more difficult to navigate. It's been sad to see him occasionally feeling left out by people he's known and cared about for years, especially when he hasn't necessarily changed the way he feels about those friendships. It's another reminder that childhood friendships don't always grow in the same direction, even when nobody has done anything wrong. And that's quite a difficult thing to explain to a teen who just wants to spend time with friends.
I think the teenage years deserve particular attention, because the social opportunities available to younger home educated children don't always translate well into adolescence. When children are little, a mixed-age group in a park can provide hours of entertainment. As they grow older, they tend to become more selective about who they want to spend time with. Shared interests, humour, personality and maturity all become increasingly important, and teenagers understandably want more independence in their friendships. They may also find that the friendships they formed when they were younger begin to change. Friends move on to different activities, start GCSE courses or college, become involved in new social circles or simply develop different interests.
For families in rural areas, the practical difficulties can be considerable. There may be very few home educated teenagers nearby, public transport may be limited, and arranging regular meetings can involve lengthy journeys. It's hard enough coordinating the diaries of several families without adding teenagers who would quite like to make their own arrangements, thank you very much. Teens can also be reluctant to attend groups specifically organised to help them make friends. Nobody particularly enjoys feeling that they've been taken somewhere to be socialised, especially at an age when fitting in and being accepted can feel terribly important.
Activities that give young people a shared purpose can work better. Gaming groups, creative workshops, sports, volunteering, youth organisations, interest-based clubs and courses can all provide more natural opportunities to meet people. And sometimes it's worth helping teenagers maintain the friendships they already have, even if those friends live some distance away. Regular visits, shared activities and making it easier for them to communicate independently can be just as valuable as searching for new social opportunities.
What about online friendships?
Online friendships are an increasingly important part of many teens' social lives, including those who attend school.
A young person might spend hours talking to friends while gaming, creating artwork together or participating in an online community centred around a shared interest. These relationships can involve genuine friendship, mutual support and a strong sense of belonging. For teenagers who struggle with face-to-face social situations, communicating online may feel easier. They can take more time to respond, connect with people who share quite specific interests and develop friendships without the immediate demands of a busy social environment.
I don't think we should automatically dismiss those relationships because they happen through a screen.
At the same time, it's sensible to consider whether your child is satisfied with their social life overall. If they have close online friendships and are happy with the amount of face-to-face contact they have, there may be no particular problem to solve. If they're spending all their time online because they're frightened of meeting people, or they're telling you they desperately want local friends, that's a different situation. Online safety matters too, particularly when children are communicating with people they haven't met in person. Age-appropriate boundaries, privacy settings and open conversations about who they're talking to are important, without treating every online friendship as inherently suspicious.
Online friendships are particularly important to my son. He has some quite niche interests, and finding people locally who share his enthusiasm for art, gaming and various geeky things isn't always easy. Through online communities, he's made friends who genuinely understand those interests and enjoy the same things he does. They're real friendships, and they matter enormously to him. The difficulty is that some of these friends live on the other side of the world. Time differences can make something as simple as having a conversation surprisingly complicated. When he's free in the afternoon, they might be asleep, and when they're all online together, it might be getting really late here in Devon. It means he can't always spend time with them when he'd like to, and there are times when that leaves him feeling a bit disconnected.
I wouldn't want to dismiss these friendships simply because they're online. They've brought him a lot of happiness and connection, and in some ways it's wonderful that he can find people who share his particular interests regardless of where they live. I just wish a few more of them lived within driving distance!
When your child wants friends but struggles with social situations
Some children experience an especially frustrating combination of wanting friendship while finding social interaction difficult. They might be anxious about meeting unfamiliar people, struggle to know how to join conversations or worry that other children won't like them. Previous experiences of bullying, exclusion or friendship breakdowns can make trying again particularly daunting. For some children who have left school after difficult experiences, the social consequences don't disappear simply because they're now home educated. They may have lost contact with former friends, or their confidence in other children may have been badly affected.
Autistic children and young people may also experience social situations differently. Some find unstructured groups overwhelming, need more time to process conversations or find it easier to connect through shared interests. Others may have no difficulty starting friendships but struggle with maintaining them, especially when communication styles and expectations differ.
It's important not to make assumptions about what a child wants based on their behaviour. Refusing to attend a group doesn't necessarily mean they don't want friends. They may find the environment difficult, be anxious about rejection or simply feel that the particular group has nothing to offer them. Try exploring what makes social situations uncomfortable and whether anything could make them easier. Meeting one familiar child somewhere quiet might be more manageable than attending a large group. Having an activity to concentrate on can help, as can knowing exactly what to expect and being able to leave when they've had enough. There is a balance to find between respecting a child's limits and helping them access experiences they genuinely want. If anxiety is preventing them from developing relationships or participating in activities they would otherwise enjoy, they may benefit from additional support rather than simply being encouraged to try harder.
My own son is a good example of how complicated this can be. He does want to see friends and enjoys spending time with people he feels comfortable around, but he also has quite a low social battery. Even when he's having a lovely time, social interaction can quickly become overwhelming, and large crowds are particularly difficult. We go to Comic Con in Exeter every year, which he absolutely loves and genuinely looks forward to. But the crowds, noise and constant activity are exhausting for him, and we often end up leaving much earlier than we'd planned. It isn't that he hasn't enjoyed himself. He's simply reached his limit, and staying longer would probably spoil the experience. We've learnt to accept that and plan around it, rather than trying to squeeze every possible minute out of the day.
It's a similar balancing act with friendships. He can really want to spend time with people, but that doesn't necessarily mean he has the energy for several hours of socialising. Sometimes he needs quite a lot of time to himself afterwards. Finding enough social contact without overwhelming him is something we're still figuring out, and I'm sure we're not the only family navigating that particular contradiction.
When you've tried everything and your child is still lonely
This is perhaps the hardest part, because there isn't always an obvious solution.
You might have tried several groups, arranged individual meet-ups, encouraged different interests and travelled considerable distances to find suitable activities. Your child may still struggle to make lasting friendships. Sometimes the difficulty is simply finding compatible people. Other times, friendships develop but don't last, or your child has expectations that are difficult for any single friendship to meet. It can help to concentrate on building a sense of belonging more broadly while continuing to look for suitable friendships.
Relationships with grandparents, cousins, neighbours, trusted adults and other members of the community are valuable too. Regular activities where a child is known and welcomed can help them feel connected, even if they haven't yet found a close friend their own age. That doesn't replace the friendships they want, particularly if they're longing for someone of a similar age who understands their interests and experiences. But it can make their social world feel less empty while those friendships are developing.
It is also worth considering whether your child needs more help with the practical side of maintaining relationships. Some children find it difficult to initiate messages, suggest arrangements or keep in touch between meetings. Others may need support navigating disagreements or understanding why a friendship has changed. These are things we can help with gradually, without taking over their social lives. And occasionally, despite doing everything reasonably within your power, the right friendship simply hasn't happened yet. That's difficult to accept when your child is unhappy, but friendships aren't something we can organise into existence.
Should I consider school if my home educated child is lonely?
It's understandable that some parents begin questioning their decision to home educate when their child is struggling socially, especially if they seem to have very few opportunities to meet other children locally. School does provide daily contact with a large number of peers, and for some children that may offer social opportunities they feel they're missing. If your child expresses an interest in attending school, it's worth having an open conversation about what they hope would be different and whether school might meet those needs.
However, school attendance doesn't guarantee friendship or prevent loneliness. Children who attend school can experience isolation, rejection and bullying despite being surrounded by other children every day. It's also worth considering the reasons your family chose home education in the first place. If your child left school because of anxiety, bullying, unmet needs or difficulties with the school environment, those concerns still matter.
There may be other ways to improve their social opportunities without changing their education entirely. Equally, if returning to school is something your child genuinely wants and it would be appropriate for their circumstances, it shouldn't be dismissed simply because you've committed to home ed. The important thing is to consider the whole child rather than treating school as either the inevitable solution or something that must be ruled out.
When loneliness affects your child's wellbeing
Feeling lonely occasionally is part of life, and most children will experience difficulties with friendships at some point. But ongoing loneliness can have a significant effect on a child's confidence and emotional wellbeing. If your child is becoming increasingly withdrawn, seems persistently unhappy, loses interest in things they previously enjoyed or begins to express hopelessness about making friends, it's important to take those feelings seriously. Give them opportunities to talk without rushing to reassure them or immediately planning another activity. Sometimes children need us to acknowledge how difficult something feels before they're ready to consider what might help.
If you're concerned about their mental health, speaking to your GP is a sensible first step. You can also find advice through the NHS's children and young people's mental health pages, and there is a list of helpful sites at the bottom of this article. Seeking support doesn't mean home ed is causing the problem, and it doesn't mean you haven't done enough. Loneliness can be complicated, particularly when anxiety, neurodivergence, past experiences or other difficulties are involved.
Finding friendship takes time
One of the less convenient realities of home ed is that we often have to be much more deliberate about creating opportunities for friendships. That can be demanding, especially when you're managing several children's needs, working, dealing with limited finances or living somewhere with a small home education community. And because we're the ones arranging so much of our children's lives, it's very easy to feel personally responsible when their social life isn't going well. But we can only do so much. We can find opportunities, help children maintain contact, make introductions and support them through difficult experiences. We can't decide who they will connect with, or guarantee that another child will want the same friendship. What we can do is listen when they tell us something isn't working, remain open to different possibilities and keep helping them find opportunities that suit who they are.
We should also be able to talk about loneliness within the home ed community without feeling that we're somehow undermining home education itself. Families need to be able to share the difficulties as well as the successes, and friendship can be one of the more difficult parts of educating outside school. Some children find their closest friends through home ed groups, others through shared interests, online communities or activities that have nothing to do with education. For some, finding people they really connect with takes longer than anyone would like.
There isn't a simple formula for making friends, whether you're home educated or at school. But recognising when a child is lonely, understanding what they're missing and helping them build relationships that genuinely matter to them is a good place to begin.
